Archive for August, 2009
Erotic Art Video Kills Our Culture Boner
Fact: Most artists were total pervs. This bizarre video from Everything is Terrible! takes us into the thoughts of creepy people who mistake normal art for “erotic art.” We were hooked at the first five seconds. You would think a woman would get more compliments while wearing a penis necklace.
There’s very little to add to such a weird video, in which a weird couple points out nipples so nonchalantly, we’ll be uneasy around nipples for at least a few days. Also, regarding sex with animals: whales do count.
If you really hate good taste, you’ll also want to see the super weird dominatrix workout.
Post written by Amanda Meadows, who believes Rembrandt was a necrophiliac.
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5 Reasons Why The Snuggie Sutra Is Ridiculous
Snuggie Sutra has hit the Internet with some fierce buzz. As far as we know, it was meant as a cute joke, but people seem to like this UN-ironically. Looks like we need to explain to the internet 5 Reasons Why The Snuggie Sutra Is Ridiculous, thus hilarious.
5. A Snuggie is like wearing an ugly, unsexy poncho.
Last we heard ponchos are unsexy and meant for Mexican stereotypes and old ladies in prison. Though, maybe the snugWOW would be useful in soaking up excess fluids. Why would a guy want to hold the other end of a Snuggie while having sex, when his hands would have a lot more fun in other places?
4. Two people in a Snuggie would be complicated.
Apparently normal sex isn’t awkward enough. We couldn’t even get through The Lover’s Guide without getting embarrassed and giving up. How do you even get your legs in for this position?
3. It could only good for two things: Public sex and the lamest role playing game ever.
Actually in a way this is great. Snuggies for the homeless! We’d never again have to see vagrants rubbing their dirty werewolf bodies together. As for role play, you have a few options: a druid, a Sith or a dastardly cardinal ready to sodomize a young parishioner:
2. The only people who might actually try this are your parents.
That’s right. Your parents are the ones who bought these things. You will be home for the holidays, and there they are on the couch in one heaving, sweaty Snuggie. There’s only one solution. Never go home again.
1. Snuggie Sutra will make for the most retarded death ever.
Snuggies are inherently retarded. The person who attempts this position will deserve the suffocation they’ll die from, and should be buried in a fleece coffin. Think of how embarrassed your friends and family will be at your funeral. Forget how David Carradine died, this position already looks like a sad homicide scene.
We’re glad this has been sorted out. May we never hear another Snuggie-related joke again!
If this wasn’t stupid enough, check out the Peekaru, for those who conceived using Snuggie Sutra.
Post written by Amanda Meadows, who only bought a Snuggie to match her Crocs.
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Rapping Kids, Kissing Lesbians And Prostitutes Are What’s Hot Today In Sex
This is Comedy.com’s guide to what’s funny right now in the realm of sex. If you dig it, please subscribe to our daily email or RSS feed, follow us on Twitter, and become a fan of our Facebook page to get our daily updates.
THIS KID’S GOT A LOT OF HOES
Sure, this is meant to be safe for kids, but we think they may have followed current “adult” rap a little too closely. We know what he’s really referring to when he boasts about his “big bike.” And if you watch at :46, it looks he’s into Asians, too. We salute this kid. (Video thanks to Buzzfeed.)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gg5hYYrNfCE&feature
WE WON’T GO TO ANY ANTI-PROSTITUTE ESTABLISHMENT
We’re all for human rights here on Comedy.com’s Sex Channel, so we believe in non-hot chick profiling. Just cause she’s a little slutty, doesn’t mean she’s a hooker. And if she is then thank god, we have a backup plan for the night! (Photo thanks to The Daily What)
APRIL KNOWS WHAT SHE DESERVES… FROM MUTANT TURTLES
When we were kids we had no idea what this really meant, but now we’re ever so grateful. Can we get this in a huge car decal? Also, something tell us that Donatello would be the most dutiful lover. Thanks to carlovely on Tumblr.
MS. ANGEL, WE HAVE MORE SAUSAGE FOR YOU TO WORK ON
Heeb magazine does it again with porn star Joanna Angel cleverly teaching you how to prepare a sausage. No word yet on our boners going down. It’s getting chafe-y in here.
YOUR DAILY DOSE OF LESBIANS
Our friends at Dirty Rotten Whore (best site url ever), have compiled the Top 10 Onscreen Lesbian Kisses. Our favorite is from “The OC.” Who knew Olivia Wilde started out in TV by smooching Mischa Barton, who is currently in a gutter somewhere?
Missed a day? Also see what we deemed ‘Hot in Sex’ last time!
Post written by Amanda Meadows, who gets escorted out of restaurants all the time due to prostitute prejudice.
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This Is Your Captain Speaking
Partnership
Minnesota State Law
Statue Of Liberty From Inside
Comedy Pilot ‘Rich Dicks’ Is Inducted In The Sex Comedy Hall of Fame
You see them at the bars and clubs: those douche-y uber-rich d*ckwads that rub their boners on every 22-year-old girl in the place, then ask them to join their bottle service table. What’s more delicious than a 100-dollar bottle of 30-dollar vodka? The answer: Nothing.
Nick Kroll and Jon Daly are “Rich Dicks,” a Funny or Die exclusive web pilot we hope keeps going, because a name like Aspen Bruckheimer seriously spells “character development!” Thank you for making fun of our party nemeses. We induct you to our Sex Comedy Hall of Fame. [Psst: NSFW]
Also, see the amazing British series “Peep Show”’s induction to our Hall of Fame.
Post written by Amanda Meadows, retired velvet-rope groupie.
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The Top 5 Things I Hate About People
5. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?” No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
4. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
3. When people say “It’s always the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do you do that? Why?
2. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
And the Number 1 Thing I Hate About People:
1. When people say “Life is short.” What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that’s longer?
Obama Wants To Get It On!
When will Obama catch a break? People are calling him (insert any dictator), they vilify Obamacare and now he can’t even relax with some alone time with the hottest First Lady ever. The gravitas of the Ghosts of Presidents Past would give anyone performance anxiety.
We feel their pain. Our college dorm room was covered with “Animal House” and “Goonies” posters, and we totally thought we heard Sloth ask for Baby Ruths. Maybe that’s not quite the same, but we were distracted to say the least.
Feel a part of our nation’s growth. Speculate that the Obamas enjoy fisting, just like the rest of us.
Post written by Amanda Meadows, who’s crumbling under the pressure of the ‘Cathy’ cartoons on her walls.
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