Archive for the ‘General’ Category
Single Women
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
A Letter To Jessie James
You fool! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart.” You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.
You are really a piece of work! You’re the most hated a-hole cheater on the planet. How can you live with yourself? I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece dirt that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.
~Tiger
Polish Expo 2010 Exposition Pavilion
Funny catwalk You got to see this!!!!! Send video to friend
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’ s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole, it’s three-fifteen in the morning!”
Why It’s Dangerous To Take The Bus In China
Unless you want to relive the action packed frenzy of the movie Speed, don’t take the freaking bus in China.
20GB in 1980 vs. 32GB in 2010
Government Job
To show off, the engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’ T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’ Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’ Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, ‘What
can your cat do?’
The government employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR
THE GOVERNMENT!!
If you aim high
If you aim high
